Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.