I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The pasta is now
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Running your mouth is not cardio.