What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
rapatouille
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack