The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
#CoronaOutbreak
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.