If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Its true…
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?