best review i’ve ever seen
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Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.