Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
The fall of Netflix
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON