Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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Home is where your toilet is.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
they finally got him. they got macavity
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.