[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me