[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.