Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
much to think about
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone