[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Sending in my taxes
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?