It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.