so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.