God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Tuesday
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them