By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire