[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
no cat here
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.