Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want