I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
😆this is so true
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
yeah no that’s fair
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog