Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?