There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
i smell a pulitzer