What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
buys donuts instead
Breaking news:
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
is this how new cars are made??
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.