Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
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Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”