Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird