A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
i’m sure it’s fine
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”