Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE