Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Who says great literature is dead?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.