As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Thursday