Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert