When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
you stereotypes are all alike
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish