Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.