Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
You Might Also Like
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
me: my friends:
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
meow
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*