Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
What
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.