BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?