[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.