Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.