My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
no one likes gloating
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
All is fair in drunk and war.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.