Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.