[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Perfect
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.