Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
gentlemen, hear me out
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law