Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.