Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
The glockness monster
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Love this guy
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.