If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast