[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me