Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
You Might Also Like
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.