my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The sacred texts.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.