I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.