karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels