While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes