Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table